Some days just kick my butt. Do you know what I’m talking about? The days that seem to tackle you to the ground and you’re left looking to the sky wondering how it even happened. I had a day like that recently. It was yesterday. I still can’t even tell you what was wrong with yesterday other than all of it. Except, that’s not right. There was nothing wrong with yesterday other than me and my expectations. I don’t even know what I was expecting but it wasn’t happening. I kept getting frustrated and everybody wanted something from me and I just couldn’t win. I would sit down to do something and my dog would let me know he wanted to go outside. I would let him outside and he would start barking incessantly, which would annoy my husband. I would let the dog back in for him to whine to go back outside. My son also wanted things during all of this and I’m pretty sure the cat had something to say about all this racket going on. My head sure didn’t appreciate it and I quickly got a headache.
I just wanted to sit down and work on some writing. Tuesdays are blog post days. I have some projects I wanted to do. I also have an article I need to start writing. I just felt like no matter what I did, it was wrong. I don’t enjoy being wrong or feeling like I’m wrong and that didn’t sit well with me. The worst part about this feeling is that it didn’t feel right. I couldn’t figure out why I felt like I was wrong and I couldn’t shake it even though I knew there was no logical reason for me to be wrong.
I walked upstairs to get something from my bedroom, where my husband was working and he asked me what was wrong. I just told him I was grumpy and irritated. It was just a fact. I couldn’t change it. I didn’t know what to do because all I had done all day was sit in my wrongness no matter how hard I had tried to fix it, I still messed up. All my attempted fixing just made me grumpier.
We’ve all heard the quote, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.” Chasing perfection is my insanity. I know I will never achieve it. I know I will never reach it. Most days, I don’t chase it anymore. Most days, I’m healed of this desire to chase perfect. I have stopped the chase. Most days, I’m good. I’m content in my imperfection. Some days though, I’ll fall back into that chase like meeting an old friend. I can usually catch myself when I fall back in, and quickly run back out reminding myself that there is no way I will ever reach perfection. I need my grace and I need it in truckloads. I will never reach perfect this side of heaven.
Yesterday though, it took me too long to realize I fell back into old ways. It took too long to realize I was chasing an ideal I will never match up to. Yesterday just felt like a hot mess day and everything was just a roller coaster.
But then I had a moment. A tiny moment where I remembered that I am loved, despite how I felt. Despite all the “wrong”, I was doing that day. I had grace. I just needed to breathe. So I took that moment, and I breathed. In and out. It felt good. I’m a child of God. I took another breath. My heart stopped racing a little bit. A few moments later and I felt better. I felt peace. I didn’t feel wrong.
Proverbs 16:9 tells us ”In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps.” Some days I wake up and just go into my day thinking I have everything under control and that my plans will be exactly what needs to happen. God sometimes has different plans. I think I feel like I am fighting the world when my plans go against God’s plan. This isn’t the first time this has happened and I’ve come to the same conclusion after a moment of being still and breathing. I’m going to start trying to open my heart to God’s plan in my days instead of shoving my schedule in God’s face like a child who says, “but what about this and this” because God knows. God knows what needs to be done and what my deadlines are. God’s plans are still better than my own, even when I don’t understand.
For example, if I didn’t have yesterday happen to me. This blog post would have been about something completely different. However, I think this is better. I’m done chasing perfection, I’ve done it for so long though that it is pretty easy to pick back up. What is something you’ve stopped doing that you still find yourself doing sometimes?